What Is Hiding Underneath Your Rage

Choosing Love When You’re Feeling the Rage

I have not been writing for my blog lately. I have been trying to, but I haven’t liked anything I’ve written. I have been working through something, and it has everything to do with my emotions. I have been pretty angry this month, and it started on day one of December. That anger was preventing me from being creative and writing from a space of love. I even took time away from crocheting, which had been a daily habit for me along with meditation and journaling. None of those things were helping me like they normally do.

One thing I want to be consistent with is loving myself. If that means I need to take a break from the whole world, I will—and that is why I haven’t been producing anything lately.

Normally, I would force myself to do things because I feel I need to be responsible; there are always things that need to get done, and I don’t want to let people down. But this blog is not that for me. I want it to be loving. I want to write with an open heart without my past getting in the way. I tried to force it, but I wasn’t happy with the results. I put a lot of thought into what I write and what I share when I speak in front of a group. I choose my words to be loving and positive. Of course, I am not always positive, and it’s not a hard switch to become negative because of my past. However, it is just as easy to get back to being positive.

I am sharing this month with you because I don’t want people to give up on themselves just because they are going through a challenge or being tested on something they thought they had already overcome. There are many layers to overcoming emotions from your past. We all have bad days, moments, or hours, but we don’t have to live in them all day, every day.

Anything you perceive as negative is really an invitation to learn more about yourself. If the same negative thing keeps happening to you, see if you can look at it a different way. Often, it keeps happening because you keep seeing it the same way. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” Then you can move past it and let it go. This sounds easy, but sometimes it is not. It depends on the attachment you have to the past experience and emotion.

When the Rage Returns

Basically, my hope is that if you feel like giving up, this changes your mind. Because let me tell you, I was so pissed this month, and I just wanted to go back to things that seemed easier to deal with. But those things aren't actually easier; that’s why I made changes in the first place. I had to reflect on how much I have truly changed. So, keep going.

This month started with my road rage getting really bad. This year, it has been off and on, but December was different. I have driven for my job for the past three years and have always had some road rage, just never this intense. During the first week of December, I yelled at someone and told them I hated them. That is very unlike me because I don’t hate anyone—not even the people who treated me poorly. We all have our own stuff going on, and sometimes people would rather look at everyone else's faults than look inside themselves. I know that. It doesn’t mean it isn't hurtful at times; I just choose not to live in that hurt. I choose to be understanding of where they are in their journey, even if they are not along for the ride in mine anymore. I learn from everyone and everything.

Then, the first Saturday of the month, I was yelling so much my throat hurt. I didn’t even get into it with anyone; I was just yelling in my car like a crazy person. This made me question: What is going on with me? I have been working on myself most of my life, and even deeper the last few years. So why was this road rage popping up now? Some of it is because what other drivers are doing scares me. Some of it is a feeling that people are being inconsiderate. But if I keep getting mad about it, I will keep seeing it happen. There are times when it doesn't bother me at all how people drive, even if it is scary.

I thought maybe it was because I haven’t been patient. I have goals I am working on and I want to be successful right now, even though I know I am making progress. I have had a lot going on this month above the normal holiday stress. Maybe I was just experiencing too much that was outside of my control, and it was getting to me.

The Breaking Point and the Apology

Still, I couldn’t get rid of the rage. I was really rude and said mean words to someone else. I instantly regretted it. It was the first day of my period, and while I’m usually mellow on day one, I am often "mean" a few days before. I don't mean to be; I usually try to keep to myself so I don't say something hurtful. That is probably something I need to look into.

This person had upset me months ago, and I chose to deal with it by saying nothing—just like I normally do. I apologized to them a couple of hours later, but I still didn’t mention how they had upset me months prior. I thought I could just let it go, but obviously, I couldn't. Even after I apologized for my outburst, I felt I needed to say more. So, I sent them a text to let them know what had really upset me and why I acted the way I did. It was what I needed to do, even though I was nervous doing it.

I still don’t like talking about my feelings, but I have been making myself do it for the past few years. I’m just not consistent yet. Most of my life, I shut them down because that is what I was taught. I know it’s not right, but I still feel really uncomfortable sharing. When I look at the past few years, I’ve only just started admitting the hurt I experienced growing up. I am doing great when I look at how far I have come.

I have to do things for my emotional and mental health, and that text was one of those things. I did feel better after releasing those emotions.

The Sunday Before Christmas

I was still angry and frustrated, though. I was at the mall and people were running the stop sign on the opposite side of me, and I was getting pissed. Then, it was my turn to turn right, and a person turning left ran the stop sign. I lost my mind. I said a bunch of swear words, rolled down my window, and gave her the finger. I knew I looked crazy.

This was the Sunday before Christmas. She pulled up next to me and tried to talk to me, but I couldn't do it. I instantly regretted how I reacted, but I also knew if I talked to her and she said something that upset me, I would have made it worse. I just couldn't take the chance, so I ignored her.

I had my 15-year-old daughter with me. I apologized to her immediately. It was not right of me to act that way. That woman didn't deserve that, and my daughter didn't deserve to see it. However, I talked about it with my daughter. She knows I am not perfect and that I make mistakes. She is understanding. I share with her the things I need to work on and how I do it, so she knows she doesn’t have to be perfect either. There is a way to love yourself through the mistakes.

Inner Child vs. Inner Teenager

By Christmas week, things were finally clicking. I noticed I felt exactly like I did in 2022, right before I made major changes in my life. I felt the need to look at my "inner child" and "inner teenager" again. I have looked at them so many times the past few years that I’m almost annoyed with it, but I’m doing it because I need to feel better.

The tricky part is finding love for these parts of yourself. When I look at my inner child, I think of safety and being taken care of—something I did not feel as a child. When my inner child needs attention, I need to make decisions that help me feel safe. I have been scared this past year in my mind, but not in my heart and soul. I have to figure out choices that help me feel safe and taken care of within myself again.

When I look at my inner teenager, it has to do with suppressed emotions. As a teen, I didn't show emotions; you only ever saw "very angry" or "happy." People still tell me I’m hard to read. Every time I felt hurt as a teenager, I never said anything unless I used anger to protect myself.

As I write this, I realize I am still using anger to protect myself. My inner child doesn't like anger, so she feels unsafe. My inner teenager also feels unsafe, so she gets angry. I need to figure out how to just be sad first, instead of jumping straight to anger. It is hard after so many years of letting anger be my shield.

Unlearning is the Real Work

One thing I have learned is to be patient with myself. When I am teaching someone else something, I will go over it again and again until they get it. I should do the same for myself. Unlearning is harder than working from a clean slate, depending on how attached you are to those old habits.

The past few years of working on these attachments have felt heavy. I want people to know that. I also want you to know it is worth it. Anything that requires your effort is worth doing. I hope you know you are loved no matter what you do. You just have to be open to it.

Wouldn’t it be great to love yourself no matter what? We are all human, and making mistakes is part of that. We still deserve love. Love is the only thing in this life that can get you through anything. Use your heart and intuition more, and tell your brain to take notes. Your mind is no longer the leader.

This is love.