The Worthiness Gap

I’ve talked about people-pleasing before, but I want to take a different angle today: Boundaries. So many people struggle with both. They know they’re doing it, but they don’t know how to stop. For me, the shift happened when I changed my mindset about what these actions actually mean.

Helping vs. Overdoing

People-pleasing doesn’t just hurt you—it doesn't actually help the person you’re trying to please. Often, we do things for others that they can and should do for themselves.

There is a fine line between being helpful and doing too much. You can tell the difference by how you feel:

• People-Pleasing: You feel drained, resentful, or like you're doing "too much."

• True Helping: You feel good on the inside, and your energy stays balanced.

Knowing when to back off is an act of self-care.

Boundaries vs. Walls

Boundaries tell others how to treat you and what you’re willing to accept. But we have to be careful they don't become walls.

• Boundaries are like a gate—they let the good in and keep the harmful out.

• Walls shut everyone out and keep you from being vulnerable.

You might even have both going on at once. I remember being really into a man once; I had boundaries and walls up. As I got interested in him, I released them, but I still struggled to be vulnerable or emotionally available even though I was pouring love into him. I realized the walls needed to go, but the boundaries needed to stay.

When we love people, we want to do everything for them, but we can't. They deserve the dignity to learn things for themselves. The best way to help someone else is to be yourself, love yourself, and work on yourself. That gives them permission to do the same.

Every "Yes" is a Statement of Worth

People-pleasing is a distraction. Sometimes we use it to avoid dealing with ourselves, thinking it will make us feel "better." But the only way to truly love yourself is to focus on yourself and feel everything.

When you let a boundary slide, you are silently telling yourself: "I’m not worth it."

• When you say "yes" when you want to say "no," you’re saying that person matters more than you do.

• When you don’t go after your dreams, you’re saying you aren’t worthy of them.

• When you stay in relationships that keep you small, you’re saying you don’t deserve to be lifted up.

Starting Small & Parenting with Purpose

If you want to stop people-pleasing, start small. Pick one relationship.

1. Practice the Pause: Don't answer questions right away. Think: "Do I actually want to do this?"

2. Say No: Mean it when you say it.

3. Expect Resistance: People used to you having no boundaries will test you. It’s up to you to decide if that relationship can carry on.

Even with my kids, I’ve had to set boundaries. They are used to coming to me for everything, but their father is fully capable of helping, too. I encourage them to ask him—or another adult who actually has the expertise to help.

Why would I spend my time trying to "figure it out" when there are people who already have the answer? This is a boundary for my time, but it’s also a gift to them. I am empowering my kids to be self-sufficient and find answers for themselves. That has always been the goal, though what that looks like changes as they get older.

Are You Living Your Dreams?

For a long time, I thought I loved myself, but I wasn't actually going for my dreams. I was stuck. Now, for the first time, I am really going for everything. I know my worth, and I love myself completely.

Do I still mess up? Yes. But my awareness helps me catch it faster. We grew up being told our worth was tied to what we did for others. The truth is, you are worthy of everything you desire simply because you exist. You deserve love, even when you do "crappy" things. Those actions are just you acting through pain.

Let the pain go. The real you is loving, caring, and compassionate. Stop focusing on the pain and start seeing the good. When you release the need to please and start setting boundaries, life starts to feel like magic.

I love you

This is Love