The Safety Trap

In 2022, when I decided to really dive back into my self-growth, I had to face a tough truth: I had control issues.

I didn't try to control people—I learned that lesson as a teenager. I used to give my sister and my friends advice to keep them from making "stupid" mistakes, only to watch them do it anyway. I realized then that I can tell people what I think, but I can’t—and shouldn’t—try to manage their choices.

But as I’ve done the work, I’ve realized that control shows up in much sneakier ways. I wasn't controlling people; I was trying to control outcomes because it made me feel safe.

Control vs. Alignment

I’ve found that when I have a general direction but stay open to possibilities, things work out beautifully. When I’m in an environment that isn't right for me—like the job I finally left after 21 years—that’s when I find myself trying to force a sense of control that just isn't there.

Even now, I feel the struggle. I work as a delivery driver, and I often try to control exactly how much I make every day. But lately, the more I try to "force" the money to happen, the harder it feels. Interestingly, when I stop gripping the wheel so tight and just go with the flow, the money tends to come faster.

For example, when I dyed my hair blue a few weeks ago, I knew it would take hours. I was at the salon from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. It was a long day, but it was worth it—my hair turned out exactly how I wanted, and I felt amazing leaving. I only had a two-hour window to work afterward, and I decided to be open to anything. Because I was in a headspace of receiving, I immediately got a huge order. Even after having to cancel part of it because it wouldn't fit in my car, I still made $80 in less than two hours. When I love myself and stay open, things just work out.

When the Stepping Stone Ends

It’s becoming painfully obvious that this current "stepping stone" is coming to an end. The sign isn’t just a lack of orders; it’s my body. I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open to drive sometimes. My knees hurt while I’m behind the wheel, yet they feel fine when I’m running for my marathon training.

My body is telling me what my mind already knows: this work is no longer for me. At my previous job, the sign was that I couldn't even control myself anymore. I was lashing out and "going rogue" because I was in an environment that felt like torture. Not being able to control your own reactions is the worst feeling. I had to leave for my sanity, and I’m at that point again. Writing this post right now feels aligned; driving for an app does not.

The Release: Parenting and Peace

One place I’ve learned to release control is with my kids. I can’t control who they interact with or every experience they have, but I can listen. Instead of giving my opinion right away, I ask them questions. I love seeing how their brains work. By waiting to share my thoughts until after they’ve spoken, I’m honoring who they are.

The difference between holding on for dear life and letting go always comes down to safety. I know I am safe, but a part of me still wants to clutch that control for security.

"Let Go and Let God"

Lately, when fear creeps in, I repeat a simple phrase: "Let go and let God."

You don’t have to be religious to use this. The words simply pull you out of that "stuck" energy of trying to fix everything. Once I feel my brain reset, I pivot: What can I control right now? What am I excited about today?

What You Can Actually Control

I’ve realized the list of things I can actually control is small, but powerful:

• My attitude and how I respond to others.

• What I put out into the world.

• How I take care of myself and my boundaries.

When I stay mindful of this, I receive more than I could have imagined. I’ve cried more happy tears in the last six months than I can count. Most of those tears come when people give to me without strings attached. In the past, I felt like people only gave to get something back, but now I can receive purely. I cry when I realize I’ve overcome a past block, or when someone tells me I’ve inspired them.

I am finally on the right track. I am putting good out, and I am finally allowing myself to receive it back.

The Challenge

It’s hard to figure out where to start. Maybe it’s therapy, or maybe it’s just reaching out to someone who has been there. I’m not a doctor, but I’m here to share my journey.

If you are willing to release control, the people meant to support you will enter your life. You just have to be willing to accept the challenge.

I love you.

This is Love