The Fear of Leaving

In 2022, I made two of the absolute hardest decisions of my life: I ended my marriage, and I walked away from my career after 21 years.

Quitting that job was terrifying because it was literally all I had ever known. It was safe. It was comfortable. I knew a paycheck was coming every single week, and I knew exactly what I could afford.

Truthfully, I had wanted to leave that job for five years before I actually pulled the trigger. I stayed out of fear, but also because my ex-husband was going through things that made him unpredictable. I felt like if I ever had to handle everything completely on my own, staying at that predictable job was the only way I could manage.

When "Safe" Becomes Unsafe

Eventually, I reached a point where staying no longer felt safe or comfortable. The environment and the people I worked with began bringing out parts of me I didn't like. I literally felt myself regressing into "child me"—who was afraid of everything—and then snapping into "teenage me"—who was afraid of nothing and ready to fight back. Child me and teenage me are completely opposite ends of the spectrum.

I was acting completely out of character just to survive the workplace culture, and I knew deep down that I should never allow an environment to change my core character like that. Yet, the fear of stepping into the unknown was so massive that I stayed anyway.

Finally, the internal pain of staying grew far worse than the fear of leaving.

When I finally handed in my two-week notice, I literally couldn't stop smiling. I was overcome with pure joy. I couldn't believe I had finally done it! I had watched former coworkers leave over the years to find something better, and I realized: I can do that, too.

That job had drained me mentally, emotionally, and physically. In my final six months there, I lost 35 pounds purely from stress and anxiety. I was constantly on edge because I never knew what kind of chaos I was walking into, and my hair was falling out far more than normal.

Looking back, I am super grateful for everything I learned during those 21 years. It gave me invaluable life lessons, and I don't regret my time there. I am even grateful for the people who made it so difficult, because I genuinely needed that level of discomfort to finally push me out the door.

Pursuing Yourself When You Don't Know What's Next

After quitting, I tried to figure out my next move while driving for delivery apps, but nothing traditional was clicking. So I decided to take a piece of advice I heard back then: "If you don't know what to pursue, pursue yourself."

That is exactly what I have spent the last four years doing. I dove inward. I learned my patterns, studied my habits, and released everything that wasn't serving my highest good.

During that process, I uncovered a side of myself I never knew existed: my creativity. I had spent my whole life believing I wasn't a creative person, even though people around me insisted I was. Last year, I decided to take up crocheting. It was a real struggle at first, and I remember praying for guidance to master it if it was truly meant for me.

Fast forward to today, and I've gotten remarkably good at it! People often tell me my work looks like I've been doing it for years. That journey gave me the confidence to launch my new Etsy shop. I used to think I had to wait until I had a massive inventory, but starting with what I have is what truly matters.

Learning to Stop and Receive

Recently, my body started sending me those familiar warning signals again. Sitting in a car for hours driving delivery was draining me physically and mentally. When my body tells me it's time to pivot, I have to listen.

Admittedly, I’m not always great at listening to subtle hints, so life gave me a hard stop: the transmission blew on the car I was using.

Instead of spiraling into a panic, I asked myself, “Okay, what is the self-loving move here?”

I applied for temporary unemployment to give myself breathing room to figure out my next step without rushing into something soul-sucking. Then, I interviewed for a part-time position at a local small-business clothing shop—a role that feels light, aligned, and gives me the space and energy to keep building my Etsy shop and my creative dreams.

To me, this is perfect. It gives me a steady foundation to save up for my next car at a comfortable pace. (In the meantime, I also have my book available for readers to support my journey, along with a link to my CashApp right on this website!)

Choosing this path means living tightly for a moment and doing something that used to terrify me: asking for help.

I hate asking people for rides. I will happily help anyone with anything in a heartbeat, but receiving that same help back makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But I am taking baby steps to break that pattern and get comfortable with receiving love.

A Transformation in Disguise

That car breaking down was actually the best thing that could have happened to me. It forced me to let go of old routines, step away from driving, and welcome fresh energy into my life. When I don't make necessary moves on my own, dramatic events happen to push me. The difference now is that I am not worried. I understand that life is happening for me, not to hurt me.

Quitting my 21-year career taught me the ultimate lesson:

I never have to stay anywhere that isn't good for me.

When I start feeling like I am no longer loving myself or when an environment starts distorting my character, it is my signal to move. I will always be okay, no matter how scary things look on the surface. Setbacks are temporary; they exist to teach us so we never have to repeat the past.

I was so scared to make big changes, but I don't regret a single one.

Ask yourself today: What are you avoiding simply because of fear? How can you choose differently? There is always a way forward when you choose love over fear.

I love you

This is love