Squashing the Emotionally Unavailability With Vulnerability

Something I have learned about myself is the fear of being vulnerable. I have known for years that it is okay, and I welcome people to be that way with me. I just could not get myself to be that way with others.

Growing up, I was told not to cry. It was not made safe to share my feelings. They were not wanted, so I learned to keep them to myself. If I wanted to cry, I would go to my room, and in adulthood, I even resorted to crying in the car when I was alone.

It was a joke with my kids, family, friends, and some co-workers that I lacked emotions. I have always been caring and giving. I love to help others but not show my feelings. No one saw me cry as an adult but my ex-husband, and he could probably count on one hand the amount of times I cried in front of him. People may have noticed sadness in me, but I was not one to cry about things publicly.

The one emotion that was safe to share growing up was anger. People did experience that from me. I have also been capable of expressing my feelings when it is not bringing up something from the past. That doesn’t upset me, so it is easy to share.

I definitely wouldn’t cry at work. I felt it was an inappropriate time to be so emotional. If I felt like that, I would go to the bathroom or somewhere I could be alone.

It wasn't that I didn’t have feelings. My feelings are big and deep, and I was never taught what to do with them. The anger happens because I can’t just be or just say what I need to say to let go of the emotion. I just didn’t deal with it in a healthy way. I am really sensitive, but I squashed that to survive. I never saw my parents cry when I was a child. Little me thought that when you grew up, you grew out of crying. Things just didn't affect you anymore. It's pretty sad, but I remember thinking about it around the age of five.

I would think more logically to stay out of negative emotions. At least, I thought they were negative. No emotion is negative; it is the actions you take that can be negative. Each time you feel something, it is telling you about yourself, and it is up to us how we use that information. I want to grow with mine.

As I got older, I realized it was okay to show all your emotions, but by that time, I was already emotionally unavailable, like my parents. I didn't want to share. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. So I kept things surface level with most relationships. I would shut people out, especially if you loved me when I was leaving. I also didn't want to hurt people. I knew I needed to fix myself at a young age. I just didn't know how to accomplish that.

I wanted to be able to be vulnerable with others, especially when I had kids. I didn't want my kids to experience my childhood. They did not, even though I couldn’t get the vulnerability piece down with myself, I still managed to give them a life very different from my own with their dad's help.

It was difficult to be vulnerable in front of my kids because I didn't grow up with an example, but I was still determined to be different: to break the cycle of emotional unavailability. My kids experienced my parents' death, and so did I. They didn't see me cry about it. I did, though. I cried about losing my mom before I even lost her. When she told me she had cancer, I already knew. I didn't know how much time, but I knew. I grieved for years and even right before she died. She wasn’t really there anymore the last couple of months. My dad was the same thing; I knew the road he was heading down. I did what I do best and did it alone. I didn't want to talk about either of my parents with anyone. I would share some stuff, but I was still angry with them when they died. Even though I liked to pretend I was over it, I was not really. It still showed up in my reactions.

Crying is just part of being open to letting other people get to know me. I couldn't share some stuff because I knew I would cry, so I would just be quiet that day at work or with friends and family. I wouldn't always bottle it up; I would let myself cry. When I felt the urge, sometimes I would put on a sad movie and let it out. This is not as good as sharing my sadness with others. I was really not connecting with others or myself at some points throughout my life.

Growing up, I usually spent time with males because they weren't usually emotional or as emotional as females. Sometimes I would get annoyed with some of my friends because they would cry about things I thought were dumb. It wasn't to them, but as a teen, I lost that sensitivity and didn't want to hear it from others.

The funny part is, both men and women open up to me all the time. Even strangers will share a lot with me. I can’t get away from it, and maybe it was to show me it is okay to share about myself. I don't have to keep myself bottled up. I am safe. I have not been one to care what people think for a long time, so that wasn't holding me back. I think it was my own judgment of me that held me back. There are things that have happened in my past I was ashamed of, or I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. In the past, I would rather die than have someone feel sorry for me. I knew I wasn't a victim, and sometimes I acted like it, but I knew things happen, and I am supposed to learn from them.

I decided in September of 2023 that I needed to open up more about myself. It is part of being authentic. I want to be myself. The parts of me that I had no trouble expressing allow me to feel safe to start sharing the things I am afraid to share. Really, the things I fear have all been in my head. I know that because when I share, people's reaction has been loving.

I knew I needed to let go of something, but I didn't know what or how to do it. I had a dream about my mom. What I got from it was that I needed to let go of the anger I had with her. Great, I figured out what I needed to work on. I knew because in 2022, when I changed my life drastically, it was because so many people were reminding me of my mom. I couldn’t take it, so I left both environments. Which I did need to do because I wouldn't have been able to make the changes I needed with the people that surrounded me.

Social media can be a great thing because I figured out how I was going to release this anger. Someone shared a letter to let go of feelings with a person. It can be done with anyone in your life. Since my mom is dead, I thought this would be perfect. So I wrote my mom a letter (this will be in my next book I have in the works). In this letter, I told her all the things I hated about her growing up. Then I told her what each of those things taught me. I ended it with gratitude. I am grateful she was my mom.

Then once I wrote the letter, I decided to share it with my kids. They were 13, 17, and 18. I cried when I read them the letter. This was the first time they saw me cry. They didn't know what to do. I don't blame them. I didn't even think it would work. It was the point of sharing with them. Also, I wanted them to understand me better. It has helped my relationship with my kids.

I wrote a letter to my dad as well. I also read that to my kids, but it wasn't as bad. What he did didn't feel as damaging. I was closer with my dad as well. I am grateful he was my dad.

Both letters felt so relieving to write and then say out loud to another person. I felt lighter. I felt at peace. Carrying around all that for years was tiring, and I didn't even know it until I stopped.

My parents were never vulnerable with me, so I knew this would be another thing that I chose to do because I knew it was a loving thing. I knew growing up this was not the way to be loving. They didn't know what self-love was or unconditional love. Everything had a price.

So I have been more open with my kids, which is a good start. We already had a strong bond. The challenge was going to be doing this with other people. I was still resistant to that. I spent 2024 figuring out other stuff on this journey I call life. Sometimes other things can be learned along the way, and it can prove to be helpful, which is why sometimes there's a delay.

In April of 2025, it was the anniversary of my dad's death. I was struggling with it this year. It has been ten years, and I have been sad about him not being here. His birthday is this month, and I am sad. It could be that I am so open that I am allowing myself to feel. The truth is, I always get sad in April and November since he passed. I used to try to hide it and I don't now.

I went to an event hosted by a woman that I follow on social media. I chose to go to this event because I can relate to a lot of what she has been through. I had to travel to a different state, and it was worth it.

The group was not large, but anything bigger than myself when I want to cry is big to me. She had a speech, and we did some exercises. It was a really great experience. I would go to more of her events. This was the first time I cried in front of a group of people. It was amazing. I felt safe. Everyone was crying because we all just released our own things. I felt so great afterwards.

I have been attending these meetings for people affected by alcoholism since 2022. In April of this year, I had to go to a meeting around the anniversary of my dad's death. I knew I needed to share about him. I could feel it in my heart. I also did not want to. I knew I was going to cry. A part of me still didn't want to do that.

I was sitting in the meeting, already crying but trying to be discreet. My heart was nudging me. So I finally got the courage to speak. I admitted I didn't want to share, and I was going to cry. I shared my sadness with the group. Everyone was loving. Again, I felt relieved.

I spoke at a meeting last night about vulnerability and cried a little bit there. I definitely cried writing this blog. I could probably write a novel and go into much more detail, but there will be more to come. Especially since I am not used to this yet. No matter where you are on your journey, I hope you can be vulnerable with someone. It has opened up so many other doors for me, this being one of them. I am so grateful for the good and bad because it brought me here, and I know where I am going. Being vulnerable is self-love.

This is love