Self-Love Is Not Selfish and People Pleasing Suffocates It

The best love I have found has always been within me the whole time. It is self-love. I have spent years trying to figure out how to 'fix' myself. What I have found is awareness of myself, or some people call it healing. I like awareness because there were times I felt broken, and I picked the pieces back up. It was because I gained awareness of myself, other people, and the situation. I have learned the part I play in my story, and it has not always been good. In fact, there are things I was ashamed of for years and have been recently overcoming in the last couple of years.

I did not grow up in a home where self-love was a thing. People-pleasing was, though. I was taught to care for everyone, which isn't a bad thing. It is bad when it is at your expense. I will do a lot for people, but I won't do everything. I want people to borrow the belief I have in them, the love I have for them, the kindness I have for them, so they can learn to do that for themselves. Figuring out a balance to help myself and others has been tricky in the past.

Self-love has been a difficult journey at times. I didn't really have guidance to understand how I can love myself and still love others without being selfish or being a doormat. Child me just did what I was told. I was shy and very sensitive. A door mat. I did anything to make my mom stop complaining. I learned how she liked things done. I became an excellent cleaner. None of that made her happy; she always had something else to complain about. What was going on inside her had nothing to do with me. I learned as a child that I could not help her the way she needed to be helped. As an adult, I learned she wasn't willing or didn't know how to help herself.

Fast forward to being a teen, and I was selfish. I did whatever I wanted and didn't care what people thought. I had already had enough of people-pleasing. I didn't care about hurting my parents' feelings. That was mostly due to the fact I didn't think they had any. They only expressed anger, with some happy moments. I felt like it was time to make myself happy. During this period, I was kind, and I included everyone. I still did things for people, but it was how I reacted if anyone made me feel like child me. Even though not all those interactions were about my past situations, I made it so. After a couple of years, I did feel selfish. I felt bad about many reactions. Making things about me when they are not is selfish. Being selfish can also be doing whatever you need to do to get your needs and wants met, even if that means destroying others. I couldn't do that part. I am too empathic and loving for that. Even with all my issues, I could not do that to someone.

I realized people-pleasing doesn't help the person you are trying to please. It validates bad behavior on their part. You are telling people how to treat you as well. So, if you are going above and beyond for someone, they will start to expect and maybe take advantage of it. They may not treat you the same as you treat them, especially if they treat you bad and you keep treating them good. You set the tone with your relationships EVERY SINGLE TIME. So pay attention to what you allow. You can always change your mind when you need to for you.

One thing I believe is that we can all grow if we choose to, and part of that is being open with people. Being honest with your feelings and communicating. When I was younger, I would do this, but it wasn't always kind because I would take stuff personally. When I do that, it is because it is bringing me back to a past situation, but I am not looking at it that way. My mind tries to keep me safe, so I would blow up on people sometimes. Then there are times where it didn't bring this out, and I could actually have a caring conversation.

I love the caring conversation so much better. It is much easier to have when I take care of myself. It is a passion of mine to take care of myself and others. People don't have to listen to me. I say what I need to say and let people decide what they want to do. If someone chooses to keep stepping over my boundaries or go against my morals, I will remove myself. I don't change people. Expressing my thoughts opens up conversation to grow together.

Having conversations that may be hard to have because you are worried how the other person will perceive it is loving yourself. It prevents resentment against another person. You are loving them as well. Telling someone what is acceptable is giving them the opportunity to love the real you. You then have the opportunity to love the real them. None of us are fully aware of ourselves, and we need help from others to become more aware. It is not a bad thing. We should learn to not take everything personally and also know when we are being invited to look at ourselves.

When we choose to people-please, it does feel suffocating. When I was in people-pleasing mode, I didn't feel like myself. It made me feel alone and like a robot to do what everyone else needed or wanted. Inside I was screaming, 'What about me?' I felt my feelings didn't matter, my wants or needs didn't matter either. I felt like that is no way to live.

Everything is about balance. Everything isn't going to be awesome all the time unless you have finished growing as a person. I know I am not done. I keep learning about myself, and it is awesome. It is because I choose to learn more. This is love.