Rejection is a Mirror

These past few years, I have become much more aware of myself. I’ve learned the many ways my past still has an impact on my present. For a long time, I made decisions based on my experiences as a child. If a situation reminded me of a childhood event, I reacted in a way just to survive. I was in what some call "survival mode." My whole life wasn’t like that, but it was a pattern that kept me from growing as much as I could.

These past few years have been both hard and relieving. It was a cycle of work and letting go. The work was creating new behaviors, and the letting go was releasing the habits that kept me stuck in survival. As I move forward, I will still be met with those same situations that used to trigger me, but this time, I am choosing not to revert to behaviors that no longer serve me. It is really hard, but I want to share what I’m doing.

The New Face of Rejection

I’ve talked before about emotional unavailability, but recently, something else came up: the fear of rejection. I haven’t really feared rejection from people since I was young. I overcame the need for people-pleasing when I was a teenager, which gave me the gift of speaking my mind and being myself. But this new fear of rejection felt different. It wasn’t about a person; it was about my dreams.

Because I’m going after what I want and things are moving slowly, I started to feel "rejected" by my goals. I finally know what I want and need, so I want success right away. Part of me is even afraid to be successful. I’ve learned that if my dreams take their time, it’s actually good for me. It gives me space to adjust.

The Power of the Pause

There is something very powerful I have learned in this process: the pause. I’ve learned not to react immediately to people or situations unless it’s an emergency.

When I pause, I don’t react to something right away. For example, when I had my flat tire recently, I almost started to spiral, but I caught myself. I took a deep breath and sat for a minute. I realized I needed to ask for help, and it was taken care of. While I was waiting, I wrote a post for my blog. That pause created space for something better to happen. This blog is part of my dreams, and before that moment, I didn’t know how I was going to make time for it.

I’m also practicing the pause with my children. Sometimes when they ask for help, my instinct is to say "yes" immediately. But now I stop and think: Can I fit this into my schedule, and should I? I am letting them exercise their independence by saying no. They are already quite independent, but I needed to set a different boundary than I’ve had in the past. It frees up more time for my creative side that lacked for so many years.

The pause helps me stay in the present and see what is really aligning with me. Every time I go straight to survival mode, it doesn’t work out as well. Try it—especially if you are used to fixing everything for everyone.

Admitting the Feeling

I felt the rejection and I sat with it. I went to an Al-Anon meeting and shared how I felt. It was so helpful to admit my feelings to myself, to another human being, and to my higher power. You don’t have to believe in a higher power for this to work—simply admitting it to yourself and others can be enough to break the spell.

I realized that sometimes, rejection is just a sign that you shouldn’t be doing that specific thing, or that a certain person doesn't belong in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. It just means you deserve to find what actually fits.

The Boy Who Taught Me About Love

I remember someone I rejected when I was much younger. Eventually, I gave him a chance and realized I had an overwhelming amount of love for him. I couldn't handle it, so I ran. I was afraid that if he truly knew me, he would reject me. But he did know me. He didn’t care about the things I didn’t like about myself; he just wanted to be with me.

I rejected him again before he could reject me. I wasn’t really rejecting him, though—I was rejecting myself. I didn't believe I deserved a love like that. We were just teenagers, and people say you don't know love at that age, but I believe we are born with love. Our experiences and what we are taught just make us believe otherwise.

Scary vs. Different

Nowadays, when something makes me feel alive and scared at the same time, I do it anyway. I tell myself: "This is not scary; it is just different." Feeling alive and feeling scared can both make your heart race. But I find when I feel "alive," there is an excitement. I feel calm, my body feels light, and I can’t stop smiling. When I let fear take over, or when something doesn’t align with me, my heart still beats fast, but the blood feels "dense." My body feels tense, and I might even feel pain in my lower back or hips. When I pause and listen to my body, it helps me feel if someone or something should be in my life.

The Lesson of the AAA Website

I realize I am being stubborn when things are difficult and I am still trying to force them to work. When I had that flat tire, I tried to sign up for AAA because I didn't want to wake anyone up so early. The webpage kept failing to load, but I tried it repeatedly. Even after I called someone for help, I still kept trying the website a few more times.

Then I just sat there. I realized I was being "rejected" by the website, and it was a good thing. I asked myself: What am I supposed to learn from this? First, I learned to trust that the situation was being taken care of. Second, I learned to stop being stubborn about a path that clearly wasn't for me. When I stopped, I realized this moment had actually freed me up to write. My body felt more at ease and I was in the right head space to be creative. I was calm, as opposed to how I felt when it first happened—tense and worried about my day.

A Healthy Relationship with the Self

Years later, when the shoe was on the other foot and I felt rejected by someone I loved, I could see my younger self in them. I didn't feel "rejected" in the end; I felt like I was seeing a mirror. It was a blessing because it forced me to do the deep dive into myself.

I was finally ready to have a healthy relationship with me. I choose to love myself. My dreams are becoming reality right before my eyes, and this journey has given me the wisdom to say "yes" to the right things and "no" to the rest.

Rejection is Protection

We’ve all heard that "rejection is protection." When you reject something that is good for you, you feel stuck. But when you choose love, you feel like you can fly. Overcoming the fear of rejection happens when you finally experience the benefits of choosing love for yourself.

I want to ask you:

• Does the fear of rejection play a part in your life?

• Do you say "no" to people because you’re scared they’ll say "no" to you?

• Do you feel alive right now, or are you just going through the motions?

The change can be dramatic or it can be a slow burn. I had to leave a job and a relationship behind to truly learn how to care for myself. Once I did that, things slowed down so I could really understand the lessons. Either way, what is good for you will eventually come to light.

You deserve love. Remember: rejection is your friend. It releases stubbornness and helps you move forward.

If you have questions about my journey, send me a message. I’d love to help, and I can even write a blog post about your question (you can stay anonymous!).

I love you.

This is Love