No One Can Destroy You But You

No One Should Have the Power to Destroy You

“Love is when you give someone else the power to destroy you, and you trust them not to do it.”

— E. Lockhart

I have seen this quote on Facebook, and I looked up who said it because I have seen it shared so many times with different names. This is what Google shared.

I have a dislike for this quote. It sounds like it would be great because it implies you can trust someone with all of you. But the question that comes up for me is: Do you trust all of you? Do you love all parts of you? Why are we giving anyone power over us in the first place?

To me, you shouldn’t give anyone the power to destroy you, whether you trust them or not. Love is when there is no power to destroy you because you accept all parts of yourself. There is also trust that your person isn’t just going to go around telling your business, because it is not their story to tell. If you find out they are not trustworthy, ideally, it shouldn’t destroy you.

The Foundations of Romance

This quote is often used for romantic relationships. But romantic relationships are not the first ones we have and build. We learn about love based on how we grew up and what we observed. There are things that destroy us long before our first romantic relationship, and they affect those that follow. At least this is what I gather from my experience.

Here is how I put that into practice in the past: I would only share what I had accepted about myself. Up to a few years ago, that really wasn’t much. Not a lot of people knew me. They knew parts of me I was willing to show, or parts I was forced to show because of my morals. I wasn’t giving anyone the power to destroy me, but I also wasn’t giving people that much to know me either. I was really picky about who I told what.

The guys I dated basically didn’t know me. I shut them out when I was younger. I also didn’t want to share things because I didn't want people to pity me. This was me protecting myself from getting destroyed.

Trusting the Self

I also had major trust issues—not just trusting someone else with my secrets, but trusting myself if they were told to the world. How would I react to it? Sometimes when I am mad, it could be really bad for the person on the other side. My words can be very hurtful. I really don’t like being mean; I’d rather give love than hate any day of the week. But when I get hurt, the hate can take over.

The past few years, I have been learning to trust myself and love myself. The loving part I have been trying to do for decades. It is hard to fully do that without trusting myself. I believed in myself to get through a lot of things and accomplish a lot of goals, but there was still a lack of trust. Really, how am I going to fully trust someone if I can’t even trust myself? How can I believe I won’t be destroyed if I don’t accept all parts of me? I don't have to like all the situations, but they happened. They happened because I was trying to survive.

Survival vs. Awareness

That is what we are all doing: trying to survive. We do it through fear, hate, shame, and judgment. Lately, I have been doing it through love, kindness, and forgiveness—and it feels better. It feels lighter. I don't know stress like I used to. Does it still happen? Yes, but it is not the same and I get myself out of it faster.

When I look at some of the things men do that I have been interested in (or who are interested in me), I see how one of us, or both of us, sabotage the connection. I couldn’t see my part before.

I have been becoming more aware of myself—my habits and behaviors. I have been pausing more and resting, whereas I used to be "going, going, going" all the time without much time to think. My alone time used to just be decompressing without doing anything about it. Now that I allow myself the time, I can see where I need to make changes.

The hard part is fear. I can move through hate and judgment so easily, but fear is hard. Once I overcome one thing, there is another. But it is helping me to just be me. It is helping me release all this baggage. I know I feel so much better and more like myself than ever. The love I give is reflected back to me, so I know I am on the right track.

Parenting Through the Pain

The one thing I tried to do was be better than my mom. This is good and bad. I shouldn't compare myself to someone else. Comparison is one of the worst things you could do to yourself if you are trying to improve. I didn't compare myself to others, just her. I really hated how she raised me, and I wanted to show her how a mother was supposed to be. This relationship was the first relationship that destroyed me and made me not trust others or myself.

Trying to be "better," I did the opposite of her. Which doesn’t seem bad, but it does mean I wasn’t raising my own kids through my authentic self, but through my hurt self. There are many things I did right even though I did this—my kids have told me I am a good mom. But these past few years, as I changed my parenting style, I feel like it is more "me" speaking rather than my pain.

A Work in Progress

There are still things I don't talk about because they are still painful, and that's okay. I get to decide what is shared about me from my point of view. That is relieving because I get to choose. There are literally only two things I don't want to talk about; they gave me big lessons, so maybe someday I will share them. I wrote two poems about them in the book I am working on, but I am not sure I am going to include them yet.

The point is: if you know something could destroy you, it is up to you to figure out how to accept it or decide not to talk about it. If you feel the need to talk to someone, you could always try therapy. Everything that has happened in my life, I am open to talking about—besides those two things. I am a work in progress and I am happy about it because I am no longer stuck in my past. I am moving forward.

The Final Step

Love doesn’t destroy. Pain does. That is what makes people love conditionally instead of unconditionally. Looking through that scope of pain is keeping us from our potential, from love, from goals, and from who we really are.

When I decided I had enough, I wanted to change my life and feel better about myself. I had to start with my mom. So ask yourself: Who are you going to start with? Who destroyed your world? Who made you lose trust? I am not a doctor, but I have learned a lot. I love to share because I want all of us to succeed. It makes for a thriving place to live when people are themselves. To me, asking these questions of yourself is a step toward finding a healthy love.

I love you.

This is Love