Inner Child vs. Inner Teen: The fight for control

The Battle Between Child Me and Teen Me

I was angry basically the whole month of December. Once Christmas passed, I decided to really look at what was bothering me. I prayed for answers. I am not religious, but I am spiritual and I believe in God. I didn’t always feel this way when I was younger, but I still prayed back then. All of my prayers get answered—just not always the way I think they should be. However, they are always answered in a way that benefits me in the present and the future.

I prayed to understand what was going on with me. I couldn’t take the anger anymore. I don’t like who I am when I am angry. I had to get to the bottom of it. My last post did help release some of it. I was seeing things that reminded me of my childhood, like street names or reminders of past experiences. The same thing was happening with my teen years. So, I came to the conclusion that once again, I had to look at "child me" and "teen me." I was so annoyed because I have looked at my past so much over the last few years; I was like, "Why again?" But every time I find something different, so I keep doing it.

The People Pleaser and the Rebel

When I was a child, I listened to my parents. I did what I was told for the most part. I was a people pleaser. I thought it would make people happy if I did what they wanted, but it never did. I realized this at a young age, but I kept doing it because I didn’t know what else to do. I was really shy and didn’t really talk to anyone unless they were my friend. I was very sensitive, and anything could make me cry. I learned at a young age not to cry in front of my parents, though. That was difficult. I was afraid of everything; fear held me back from doing fun things. I was told to care for my younger siblings, and I was put in situations that made me grow up faster. I didn’t stand up for myself or others.

Then, when I became a teen, it was like, "Fuck all that shit." I rebelled against my parents. I was tired of doing all the things they expected me to do. I stopped. They didn’t appreciate it anyway, so why bother? I was a jerk sometimes and gave back to them exactly what they gave to all of us kids. I didn’t care; after all, if I wasn't supposed to have feelings, they shouldn’t either. Of course, we all have feelings, but they didn’t show them, so I was giving back what they gave me—only worse. I wasn't afraid of things, and if I was, I did them anyway. I wasn't into letting fear hold me back. I got over the fear of standing up for myself and others.

When I look at both time periods, I realize "child me" and "teen me" are complete opposites. Child me wanted safety and peace. Teen me wanted adventure and freedom. Both wanted love and happiness. Adult me wants all of the above.

Finding the Solutions

It was good to look at my past in this way. I have been actively doing loving things. I always tried to before, but now I am trying to express my mind, heart, and soul in a more positive way. When I post stuff on social media, I try to keep it positive even if the subject isn’t. We can learn from all situations.

Love and happiness have been the common themes for me throughout my life. I see the different ways I have acted to try to obtain them. I have learned from it all and continue to learn. Last month was like my inner child and my inner teen were fighting, and adult me was not in control. The reason for that was because I didn’t know what was going on. Between meditation, prayer, and all the people who have shared their lives with me, I found my way.

I figured out that my inner child does not feel safe. Teen me doesn’t care and wants to do things that are freeing. Teen me didn’t care about safety at all; she did a lot of dangerous things, and I am grateful to be here today. I can understand why my inner child would be scared.

I had to think about what would make my inner child feel safe while also honoring my inner teen. I used AI to help me. I found it pretty helpful because I shared what was on my mind, and it helped me think and find the solutions I needed. Will it work for everyone? I don't know. I was really looking for answers and was willing to try anything.

California Good

What I found is that some events that happened as a child and in my teen years had a negative impact on my romantic relationships and my relationship with money. Because of that, it also created problems with my inner child and inner teen. They experienced different trauma, and it created a lot of fear around those two things. Those two things are also heavily related for me. It feels good to have more than enough money, and it feels good to be in love. They both feel "too good to be true." My actions prevent me from having both because I am scared of both.

It is funny to think that, because of all I have overcome in life. I have a lot of accomplishments I am proud of. I have overcome a lot of fear already. Now it is time for the major ones, I guess.

Right after my 7th birthday, we moved from California to New York. It was the middle of the school year; my birthday is in January. I was really upset to be moving in the first place. I didn’t want to leave my friends. Living in California, we got to do a lot of fun things—I was in tap and ballet classes. I remember it being fun. When we moved to New York, it was not fun. It was really cold, for one thing. We didn't do fun things anymore. I made new friends, but after a year and a half, I had to change schools again because we moved again. It took a while for my parents to get back to doing fun things with us, and it still wasn't like California.

This relates to money and romantic relationships because everything can disappear. If it isn't "too good," maybe I can keep it. I have made things really good for me as an adult, but they weren’t "California good." I didn’t even realize I was so terrified of these two things until recently. I really had to dig and release a lot before I got here.

Chemistry and Safety

The good news is that I figured it out, and the better news is I am sharing it with you. I share because I want as many people as possible to feel good about themselves and what they’ve got going on. I am really scared to be with someone who is really good for me. I haven’t worked on this part of me. Child me and teen me never saw role models for a healthy relationship.

Teen me was in love once; it was scary, and I ran from it. It was good, and I didn’t know how to handle it. It was "California good." We weren’t meant to be together, though—I knew that even as a teenager after time had passed. I thought about seeing if he wanted to date again, but I decided no. He showed me what I needed, and that was it. Of course, I dated everything but what he showed me because subconsciously, I was scared to have that again.

I see all over the internet that people would rather have safety than chemistry. The times I have been in love, it was both. Chemistry can be dangerous when that is all it is, but just safety is boring. I have experienced just chemistry and just safety. Safety I can control myself in; chemistry I cannot. The chemistry part is what is scary. That is what I am figuring out: How can I have the chemistry piece without losing myself?

A New Territory

The answer is that you have to become more aware of yourself. That is how I am learning all this and sharing it with you. Does this mean I am going to be perfect at this? No. This is new territory for me. It is difficult for me because I am a giver. I love helping people and I am empathic. I am like that in all relationships. I don’t even have to know you to want to give to you. There has to be balance, meaning I still have to feel I am loving myself first.

The fight between my inner child and inner teen led me down a road I didn’t even know I needed. It opened up doors to my next adventure. Now I know I need to pay attention to how my inner child feels, how my inner teenager feels, and how I feel as an adult with all my knowledge. I can pause. I can rest. I don’t need to rush this. I can communicate my needs.

This is what I am doing for all parts of me to help me feel safe, free, at peace, loved, and happy:

• For child me: I am saving money. I am starting with $5 a day. It is more than manageable, but I like doing the transfer every day for child me. This helps me feel safe.

• For teen me: I am going to train for a marathon. I have wanted to do it for about 10 years now, so now is the time. Getting out and running feels freeing.

• For adult me: I am doing a lot of creative things. I learned how to crochet. I am going to learn to sew. I want to learn pottery this year. I am also continuing to write poetry and this blog. Being creative helps me feel peace.

Closing Thoughts

Doing all these things helps me feel love and happiness. I gather that a good way to be in a healthy relationship is to start with the one you have with yourself. Do you know yourself? Do you know what is good for you? When I am just being myself, I am showing what I also like in a relationship. I am being what I want in a partner.

Do yourself this huge favor and learn about yourself and love yourself. Because when you don’t, you tend to get with people who aren’t good for you. If you do run into someone who is, you won’t be able to handle it. When you love yourself, you know you are worthy of unconditional love. You feel safe in it. You feel confident. You trust it. You can move forward with it.

The ultimate plus of loving yourself is that you are successful with your dreams. I don’t care what your mind says or what other people say. You are successful if you follow your dreams and let go of fear. I am fortunate to have not let people dictate my life for years, but my mind has been a different story.

You aren’t alone. I am always happy to help others. Email me, and I would be more than happy to help you and possibly make a blog post out of it. Bottom line: if you want your life to be different, look into your past. See what you can learn. Be open to it. You will learn some unfortunate things about yourself, but forgive. You are not that person anymore, even if it was just a few minutes ago. We are moving forward with love.

I love you!

This is love