Healing the Mother Wound Part 3

As a teenager, I rebelled—not because I wanted to be "bad," but because I felt used and controlled. I felt like I was only there to make my mom's life easier, yet nothing I did was ever good enough. Eventually, I just stopped trying to help. If I couldn't succeed in her eyes, I wasn't going to exhaust myself trying.

The Grandmother Memory

When I was 11, my mom took me to see my grandmother. She told me to act just like her—no "horsing around." When we got to my grandma’s room, my grandmother looked at me and said, "Sarah, I am going to die tonight."

My mom told her to stop, but I think she knew it was true. I think she brought me along because she didn't want to cry, and my dad wouldn't have gone with her. That night, I slept in my mom’s bed, which was unusual for us. When I woke up, she told me her mother had passed. She wasn't crying, and she didn't even look like she had been. As a kid, I thought adults just didn't cry. Because she had asked me to be just like her, I thought I needed to be "strong" like that, too.

That experience made me emotionally unavailable for a long time. It was a defense mechanism. It’s been one of the hardest things to unlearn.

Doing the Shadow Work

In 2023, I discovered "Shadow Work" and found a list of 100 questions to help me understand myself. I did one or two a day, depending on how draining they were.

Shadow work is meant to help you learn who you really are. You may cry, get angry, or feel deep sadness. Those emotions aren't "bad," and you aren't "bad" for having them. We all learned specific behaviors to survive our childhoods; shadow work helps us acknowledge those survival skills so we can finally unlearn them and replace them with healthy habits. People are often scared to look at themselves—I get it, I’ve been there—but happiness and love start from within.

One question I faced was: What does it feel like when someone oversteps your boundaries?

• As a child: I did nothing.

• As a teen: I got loud and physical.

• As an adult: I got loud, but stayed non-physical.

• Now: I am calm. I simply state, "I don't like how you are talking to me," or "I don't like how you are treating me," and I leave if I have to.

I’ve realized I don’t need to get mad. Not everyone is meant to be in my energy, and that is okay. Another question was: What makes you stay in relationships that aren't good for you? This was a big one. I realized I stayed in an unhealthy relationship with my mom because she was sick, and I felt like leaving was "wrong." I did the same with other people who struggled with alcohol. I felt they needed support, but I finally realized that support didn't have to come from me at the expense of my own sanity.

(If you are interested, here is the website I used for the shadow work questions: )

https://seekingserotonin.com/shadow-work-journal-prompts/

The Dream and the Final Healing

I wasn't 100% sure if I had healed my mother wound until recently. In 2023, while I was ending my time in therapy and moving on from a friendship, I had a vivid dream.

I walked into a hospice room, where my mom actually passed, but this one was different. The bed was neatly made, with a flower and a card on it. Then, my mom was wheeled in. Her hair was fully gray—unlike when she passed, when she still had some blonde from dyeing it. She looked at me and said, "I’m not dead yet."

That was my sign. It told me I still had work to do, and that dream—combined with Al-Anon and Shadow Work—guided me through the final stages of that wound.

Lately, I’ve been seeing her birthday everywhere—on clocks, signs, and in meditation. In the past, I hated anything that reminded me of her because I was holding onto so much anger and resentment. Now? It feels like a warm hug. I finally feel like I’ve healed our relationship. It took a long time to get that confirmation, but I did it. It also felt like a sign I should share this part of me. It is okay and safe to do so.

There is Hope

If you have a mother wound or a father wound, there is hope. You don't need them to be alive to heal, and if they are alive, you don't have to involve them unless you choose to. The point isn't for them to change—it’s for you to be free of the baggage.

I love you.

This is Love