Healing the Mother Wound

Before I quit my job in 2022, I used my company's EAP to find a therapist. I had been keeping too much to myself, and I didn’t trust anyone. I started with six sessions, which were very helpful, but eventually, I moved on to a different therapist—someone who had originally seen my ex-husband and me for couples counseling.

It worked for a while. I was releasing things, but eventually, it felt like we were circling the same topics. Toward the end, the roles felt blurred; it seemed like the therapist was talking more than I was. I loved her as a person, but I realized I wasn't getting what I needed. Recognizing when a relationship has served its purpose is an important skill to learn.

I haven't been back to therapy since because I found something that benefited me even more: Al-Anon.

Finding My Way to Al-Anon

My ex-husband suggested Al-Anon. At the time, I felt so chaotic inside that I didn't feel like myself anymore. People who knew me were asking what was wrong. I was tired of "keeping it together" just to put out the next fire.

People often told me I was "brave" for quitting my job after 21 years. To me, it was easy. If you knew how I felt inside, you wouldn’t ask how I was brave enough to leave; you’d ask how I survived staying for so long. Staying the same takes so much more energy than changing. It is draining, depressing, and anxiety-inducing. To change is to learn to let go, which eventually makes you feel energized and excited for life again.

I used to spend so much energy building walls to protect myself, and now I am building healthy boundaries to allow others to get to know me. I demolished those walls and let people in by sharing my story. It’s funny—I’ve always wanted to help others, and I finally found a program where I can do that while helping myself.

This is also where I learned that chaos can be a response to trauma, and it doesn’t have to involve alcohol. Whether my mom was a "dry drunk" or not, I could relate to the behaviors. I had chaos and craziness in me, and I’m not an alcoholic. This program helped me realize that while I thought I was there because of my dad and my ex-husband, it is just as helpful for any relationship where the "craziness" exists, even without a substance.

Breaking the Cycle of "Unimportant"

In Al-Anon, I realized that my habits were protections I created because of my relationship with my mom. I spent most of my life trying to be the opposite of her. I read books, asked for advice, and even took child development courses in college. I was determined to break the cycle.

Growing up, my parents didn't attend my school or sporting events. With five kids in the house and both parents busy working or caretaking, I felt unimportant. Because of that, I made it a point to be at every event for my kids, even while working full-time. While I’m glad I did that, I’ve realized I lacked balance. I was a full-time employee and a full-time mom with very little "friend time."

Now, I do stuff with friends and family, and I feel much more balanced. Last year, I even missed one of my youngest’s soccer games to see my favorite band. It was something I did alone—a practice I started in 2023 and realized I love. I got a pit ticket, met new people (as I always do when I go solo), and had a blast.

A few weeks ago, I made plans with a friend. One of my kids asked for a ride at the last minute, and I told them "no" because I already had plans. They asked their dad instead, and he said yes. My kids are used to me doing so much, and they love spending time with me, but I have to tell them no sometimes. It is good for them to see me taking care of myself and honoring my own boundaries.

Choosing Affection

My parents weren't the type to hug or say "I love you." I saw that at other people’s houses and knew I liked that "loving experience" better. With my own kids, I hug them and tell them I love them constantly. Interestingly, when my kids started saying "I love you" to my parents, they said it back willingly. I wasn't upset that they weren't like that with me—I thought it was beautiful that they could be that way with my children.

I wished I could have told my mom my feelings or asked for her advice, but I didn't trust her. She let me down. I realized at a young age that I couldn't "fix" whatever was wrong with her. Like an alcoholic, she had behaviors that didn't make sense, even though there was no substance involved. I eventually learned that I could only help people if they were willing to help themselves.

Stay tuned for Part 3

I love you.

This is Love