Gratitude is Growth

There are many things I have been grateful for throughout my life. There are many people I am grateful for, no matter how much time I had with them or if I perceived them as good or bad. Of course, there are three people I will forever be grateful for, and those are my kids. I have many experiences that I am grateful for as well. All of this has helped me realize who I am today.

For me, I take everything as a lesson. I am constantly learning and evolving. When something seems terrible, I try to look at what I am supposed to learn from it. Of course, first, I have to have the reaction of anger, sadness, or frustration. When I was younger, this could mean blowing up at people. Now, I have those reactions but not directed toward people. Sometimes I just scream while driving in my car. It's normal when something “bad” happens to have a negative reaction to it. How you deal with it afterward is the important part. This past year, I have been able to process things quicker in some ways. There are times I have stayed in a funk for days, weeks, months, or even years. It is a part of me that needs to be exposed so I can learn from it. Sometimes I would be stubborn, hence staying stuck for years in one area of my life.

Story Time: The Great Shift of 2022

Back in 2022, my life was a disaster. Two parts of my life crumbled at the same time: my marriage after 20 years together and my job of 21 years. This isn’t the first time I have gone through major changes, but this one was huge and undesirable.

At my job, I was feeling anxious and depressed. I tried not to show it and worked my hardest to make sure everything was good. I was a team leader who ran their own department. I had wanted to leave five years before I even had this experience. I was scared to leave; it was all I knew. I didn’t even know what to do next, so I stayed. I was already unhappy, and I got placed with a difficult team. This was the cherry on top.

Before I go any further, I want to say I don’t hate any of these people or anyone for that matter. I believe what happened had to happen so I would leave. I needed to perceive everyone in a certain way to gain my courage. I don’t believe most of them are bad people.

I felt anxious, which was new for me because I didn’t have anxiety before this. I didn’t really know what I was going to be walking into when I got to work. There was a lot of turnover for the second year, and I was trying to manage it. It was hard, and my manager was not helpful. I felt my manager was against me and got others to join them. A lot of people were saying and doing things behind my back. Some people did things to intentionally get me into trouble. Something about me is that what happens behind my back can stay there. I try my best not to engage in it. That was hard this year because it was too much.

I found out who I could trust. I would tell only one person one thing. I did this with quite a few people. I found out I couldn’t trust anyone. That was pretty depressing. I tried to help everyone on my team, and for most people, it was never enough. That was not my problem, but they were trying to make it my problem. I can’t make people feel better about themselves, their lives, or anything like that. It is an inside job, and I only have access to me. However, being myself with people, showing them what I know by example, is one way I can help others.

There was even betrayal with the ones I kept close to me. I can feel it, see it, and hear it. People think they can pull things with me. I know. I pay so much attention to my environment and everyone in it. I do that so I know how to love you. I was in an environment filled with so much hate, I couldn’t compete anymore.

I felt taken advantage of, which is one of the worst things you could do to me, and controlled. Both were happening. It’s a job, and of course, I have to answer to someone, but all managers are not the same, and a lot of them let me try to thrive.

It was such a chaotic experience. It is hands down the worst experience of my life, and I went through the slow death of both my parents. This experience had so much to do with me. People were also reminding me of my mom. There was anger just sitting inside me, and I needed to let it out. I couldn’t do it there because it was not safe.

I got to a point where I was sick of that place emotionally, mentally, and physically. When I put in my two weeks' notice, I couldn’t stop smiling. It was a huge relief. It felt so good, and I knew I made the right decision.

The Marriage and New Beginnings

While this was going on, I was having problems in my marriage, too. I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. There are numerous reasons that have to do with both of us. This wasn’t the first time I felt like leaving, but it was the time I finally did it.

He had issues he was dealing with, and I was trying to help him. What ended up happening is I let that distract me from working on myself. I had my own issues to deal with. It is easier to try to help someone else with theirs. Looking at yourself is hard. Asking yourself the hard questions is what helps you grow. I have always been one into self-improvement, and I have grown over the years. Let me tell you, after leaving both situations, I have grown so much more over the past three years. I did that by looking at the parts of me I refused for so long.

In the relationship, I felt like I was trying to move us forward, but it was more like I was dragging him. It is okay for us to be at different parts of our own journey. I recognized that. We were so young when we got together; as we got older, we grew further and further apart. It happens.

I am glad he is the father of my children. He tries to be the best dad he can be, just like I try to be the best mom I can be. Once we got through the breakup, we have worked well together when it comes to our kids. I noticed such a difference in him in a good way. We agree on how we raise our kids. I am grateful for that.

I realized I had to leave him. I was wasting both of our time by staying. We got along and did a lot of things I wanted to do, like travel as a family. I knew I wasn’t in love with him. The reason I knew that was because I had feelings for someone else.

It was bound to happen because I was staying in a relationship that I knew no longer served me. When I got to the bottom of it with therapy, I realized it had been over for a long time. I just didn’t want to admit it. My ex isn’t a bad man, and I tried to make it work. At some point, you just have to accept what is true.

I felt in my heart and soul it was time to move on. They were telling me for a while, but my brain was like, "No." My job was falling apart, so why get rid of the one person who knows me better than anyone? There was a lot of grieving for everything that year.

This experience was tough to go through, and I am grateful. The other side of this is I felt freedom and peace. After this, I did a lot of things I didn’t even know I wanted to do. The ideas and experiences just keep coming.

I have been single since the breakup and have done a lot of fun things. I have been to more concerts. I have traveled alone. I have traveled alone for a concert. I definitely didn't think I would do that. I decided to decorate my body more with tattoos and piercings. I even did a boudoir shoot in 2023, and I have one coming up in 2026. I lived in Texas for a few months. I let go of so much anger, resentment, fear, stubbornness, and regret. I opened up my heart more than ever. Basically, I got myself back. I love myself again. I didn’t in 2022. I didn’t like my actions and reactions, and it had me out of character. It had me hurting others and myself. Like I mentioned earlier, I went to therapy to unpack all the chaos in 2022; then the even harder part came: to realize 2022 happened because of the emotions I suppressed.

I still go through it with things. I have been going through it financially for like the last two years. It is starting to get better. The change is already in my favor. As I learn my patterns and behavior based on my childhood, I move forward. This one is a slow process because it is a cycle-breaking process. These always take longer for me. Plus, it is how I can help others get through it. So many things I have been through are to give hope to others, which is why I am sharing.

I am grateful for everyone in my life in 2022. They helped me get out of stagnation. I felt stuck and couldn’t get out of it myself, so they helped. It would have been nice if it didn't feel so overwhelmingly bad. That's what happens when you are stubborn. Which I was; I tried to make things work that weren’t for me. I outgrew them or possibly shouldn’t have shrunk myself in the first place.

Another Grateful Story: The Power of Intentionality

In 2012, I had a really good year. My ex-husband was a part of it, but what it did for me was amazing. I woke up one morning at the beginning of February and decided I wanted to get married and buy our first house. I was also going for a job promotion, and I overcame my fear of public speaking.

My ex-husband asked how we were going to do all this. I told him he would lead the house hunt, and I would lead the wedding. That was fine, but how were we going to come up with the money for all this? We already had our three kids, so we got a lot back in taxes, but that would only potentially cover one of those things. I planned out our wedding as cheaply as possible but also doing what we wanted. I asked his input on things, and it went well. He did the house hunt, and I looked at some with him. With communication and my determination, we made it happen.

I got the job promotion in the springtime and overcame my fear of public speaking with Dale Carnegie. We got our house super fast because the owner lived in a different state and wanted to sell fast. So we moved in June 2012, and then we got married in August 2012.

I am so grateful for this year, even though now he is my ex-husband. It showed me what I was capable of. Both buying a house and getting married can be stressful. I was so excited and motivated, I didn’t have time to stress about it. Everything was happening so quickly and in my favor.

My part in this year was amazing. I had goals, and I was successful. I am so grateful for this year because it is what I look back on when I need the badass to come out and get stuff done. I tell myself, "Remember what you did," and I didn't do it all alone. Another important part for me to remember is that I don’t have to do everything on my own.

Sometimes I have crappy things happen, and sometimes good things happen. To me, they are all good because I have learned and overcome so much. Sometimes I reflect on my life and can’t believe the experiences I have had, both beautiful and undesirable. I use it to keep going. The only person that is stopping me is me. Fear still creeps in sometimes, but I recognize it and feel what I need to feel and let it go, and then I do the thing.

Finding gratitude can help you move forward. Look at the good things that have happened in your life up to this point. At the end of the day, think of something you are grateful for. When you focus on the good more, it can happen for you. In order to get there, you have to ask yourself the hard questions. Look at your behaviors and habits. Are they good for you? If they are not, why do you keep doing them? I found a lot of behaviors and habits that came from my childhood. I just keep playing them over and over. When I look at what is true, it is the parts of me that are not conditioned by others. I still have bad days, but looking at something that happened in the day keeps me out of the victim cycle and survival mode. A bad day could just mean something better is coming for you.

I am grateful! This is self-love!

This is Love